


Bottled Up

by RoguesCorner



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Light Kaidan and Shep, god lord i write alot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 04:26:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19433905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoguesCorner/pseuds/RoguesCorner
Summary: Commander Shepard doesn't cry.That's at least what Charlie keeps telling herself. She didn't cry when Earth was attacked. She didn't cry when Mordin died, she didn't cry when she sat at Thane's bedside even if every part of her was screaming too.But she might cry now.Short piece following Citadel II with Shepard thinking about Thane, and a visit from Kaidan.





	Bottled Up

**Author's Note:**

> Because Bioware had the audacity to kill Thane like they did and then hardly have Shepard grieve and react to it especially if in a romance smh

Charlie had a line of sweat forming on her brow, it trailing down her temples and cheeks. Her knuckles were sore, small bruises showing up on pale skin but she kept going, her fist beating rhythmically against the punching bag. By this time in the night cycle everyone was asleep, everyone except for her. Thoughts kept pushing their way into her head the moment she was alone, so she just kept moving. One punch to the bag, two, and three- her chest was heaving searching for a rest, for some air. Dropping her hands to her side she took a deep, shaky breath, and then closed her eyes. The burning citadel filled her vision, the shot landing in Udina's gut, Kai Leng's smug face, a blade piercing its way through Thane's chest-

"Fuck!"

The curse escaped her lips and she had swung back to the bag, fist glowing with biotics. When her hit landed, the punching bag went flying across the shuttle bay floor, sand from inside slipping across the surface. Charlie watched the sand go still before her hands dropped to her sides again. Her legs were giving out on her, knees getting weak and before Charlie knew it she had fallen to the ground. She was heaving, holding back the tears. She didn't cry- Commander Shepard didn't cry.

The sound of the elevator doors to the shuttle bay opening was enough to snap Charlie out of it. Pulling herself together, she stood up and flattened out the wrinkles in her shirt. Kaidan was stepping out of the elevator, a plate of food in one hand, coffee in the other. She started to unwrap the tape from her hands and began packing up her mats as he came over.

“Didn’t see you at dinner, figured you might be hungry.” He explained putting the food down on James’s workbench.

“I’m not.” She replied a little too quickly, not even looking at him as she packed up her equipment. Kaidan sighed, leaning against the workbench, sipping his cup of coffee. They both knew she was lying. With her metabolism, she was always snacking and in the kitchen, she never missed a meal. Even when she didn't want to be with the crew or was busy, she would come down to get her dinner; it had been that way since the SR-1, since Kaidan could remember.

“Why are you up Major?” She finally asked, crossing her arms and actually looking at him, not the mats as she spoke.

“Same reason as you couldn’t sleep.”

“Headaches?” Kaidan nodded, glancing up at her from the cup.

“You?” Charlie looked away, her expression softening a little as she thought about Thane again, images of his eyes, his smile, his hands, and his touch flashing in her vision. She let out a quiet sigh, her shoulders dropping. Kaidan didn’t need to ask again.

“He was a good man. I know how much he meant to you-I’m sorry.”

Charlie leaned against the bench with him, her arms crossed. She had never looked more vulnerable before in the whole time he had known her, even with her scars glowing there eerie red, she looked defeated.

“He was sick, and he still was on his feet fighting- and do you know what I did when he was attacking the assassin?” Kaidan shook his head, slowly, but she didn’t see. “I stood still, paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t move; my legs felt like lead. I don’t know what happened to me- I could have helped- but I did nothing.”

Kaidan was watching her; aware of how tired she looked now. Once her guard had fallen and her posture wasn’t as stiff, her body almost shrunk from the exhaustion and stress he knew she was carrying. In the dark, the circles under eyes made her seem so much older.

“You know.” Kaidan started, shifting how he was leaning against the bench, one of Vega’s tools digging into his back. “At the hospital, he had been one of the friendliest faces there. When I was still stuck to the main levels, he would often come by and visit. He had a very different outlook on life than anyone I had ever met. I would have never guessed that he was one one of the best assassins in the galaxy.”

Charlie let out a weak laugh, the start of a smile creeping onto her lips. Kaidan smiled as well and kept going.

“The stories he would tell about the time he spent on the Normandy- I knew you got into trouble and would recruit anyone but damn I hadn’t realized how much of a band of misfits you had gathered.” Kaidan chuckled.

Charlie looked down at her hands running over the scars on her fingers. “Yeah, we were an odd group to look at.”

“I could always tell when you were docked because he would suddenly be beaming. The day before you showed up he would be pacing, I can’t imagine how he felt being away from you for so long without a choice. Finally the day you would leave he would always be reading, staring into space, watching something on his datapad, trying to distract himself.”

Charlie kept her gaze on her hands. “He was a worrier. I know he hated not being able to come along, to keep my reckless ass in check and from getting myself killed.”

“He loved you a lot, that much was evident.” She paused, her hands still before she spoke again.

“I know.”

“And he knew how much you loved him.”

“I know.” She said it again, her voice barely audible.

Soon after, Charlie’s shoulders started to shake, one hand moving to cover her mouth as she took a sharp intake of air through her nose. Kaidan wrapped an arm around her as hot tears started to run down her cheeks, getting caught in the glowing scars. She leaned against him, her throat sore from holding back on crying and finally giving in.

"I miss him so much.” She said each word a gasp for air. Kaidan placed his head atop of her before quietly repeating her words into her hair.

“I know.”


End file.
